On Bullies, Apologists, and Victims
I ran into a bully in a forum yesterday.
I know bullies. And they know me. And I can unequivocably say that it has been my experience and observation that if your child is getting bullied, there is a very good chance your kid has either witnessed or been the object of bullying at home.
How do I know this? Because I met my first bully in 6th grade. Why did he pick me? Ostensibly, it was because I was new to the school, new to the US, and my manner was more appropriate for a private school In Latin America than an American public school. If that was the case, the bullying would have come to an end once I completely assimilated in middle school.
I think- no, I KNOW my first bully recognized something much deeper- that I was the incessant “pleaser” child of a borderline*. I had been getting bullied by my mother my whole life.
I got lucky with that first bully, I only had to withstand his intimidation and threats for one school year. My parents moved to a house on the other side of town to a better school district. That in of itself would not have been enough to “cure” me from being a target. But it did give me a fresh start.
What did change was me. Instead of becoming sullen and withdrawn, I realized that being smart and a good student was perceived as a “smartypants”, so I chose to fly under the radar. I rarely raised my hand or participated in class but I handed my work in on time and manage to maintain a decent grade point average without being stellar.
My next bully was a teacher. My 7th grade Spanish teacher. The school counselor had signed me up for a Spanish class because I was fluent. Of course I was. Prior to moving to the US, we had lived in Latin America and all my schooling had been in bilingual schools. It was a an honest mistake on her part. My Spanish teacher, on the other hand, failed to grasped that having to relearn the name of verb tenses in English and restricting my essays to those particular verb tenses would be very difficult for me. Instead of either suggesting I transfer to a more advanced section of Spanish or try another language, she would call me to the front of the class and use me as an example of someone who wouldn’t follow directions and would publicly give me an F. No matter how hard I tried to understand what I was doing wrong- I was handing my work in on time, I was ace-ing exams- I would be humiliated on every essay assignment.
After my 3rd “F”, a lightbulb flicked on. I got that I was on my own. There was no calvary. There was no one who gave a shite whether I passed or not. The next time she called me to the front of the class, I got up walked to the front of the class and kept right on walking out the door to my counselor and transferred to Intro to French. The counselor tried to resist the change- it was late in the semester- but I cajoled and demanded and cried until she acquiesced.
I aced French for the next 3 years.
Normal people would never identify me as a victim. I have worked hard to present myself as confident and self-assured but I have been unable to divest myself of that very subtle whiff of passivity only a bully can identify.
And bullies still try to intimidate me. As bad as a bully may be, it is their apologist agents that really piss me off. Almost every bully has one- a minion that says, “gee aren’t you exaggerating a bit? or aren’t you just a little culpable too?”
I ran into a bully in a forum yesterday. When I called him on his behavior, he gave me some half-assed apology. I vented my anger in my food blog and left it at that. In less than an hour, I received a private message from the bully’s apologist. He followed me to my blog to read my rant and PM me about how the bully hadn’t called anyone names etc. Then I got really pissed off.
I wonder if he even realizes that he is the bully’s apologist? Does he hide under the cloak of fairness? Does he think he is looking at things from both sides?
I can understand the bully. Most of them are just trying to maintain control over their domain. I am sure that they are the product of an aggressive environment and to some extent they are the other half of the formula.
bully + victim = 1
But the apologist? I can only conclude that the apologist is a victim in denial- trying desperately not to be the target by advocating on behalf of the bully to the victim.
* can’t imagine what a borderline is ? do you remember Tony Soprano’s mother? Or Betty Broderick?
